


when i appear it's not so clear

by screechfox



Category: Next to Normal - Kitt/Yorkey
Genre: Character Study, Everyone Has Issues, Gen, Mostly Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 14:31:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13836747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screechfox/pseuds/screechfox
Summary: Life is hard when you’re a hallucination, ghost, and/or metaphorical representation of your family’s repressed mental health issues. It’s a wonder that Gabe manages to keep it all straight.





	when i appear it's not so clear

**Author's Note:**

> apparently i have a tradition of taking musical storytelling devices somewhat literally, so this is an affectionate set of musings on gabe's existence, and also kind of a character study.
> 
> dedicated to aaron tveit's hotness, because dude, _seriously_

See, Gabe figures that he’s not _just_ a hallucination. For one, if he were just a hallucination, he probably wouldn’t be figuring things at all, and for two, he can affect the world around him in ways that a hallucination never could.

It's only little things, really - taking a sandwich from his mom, moving a bag of pills so that his sister spots them. Parlor tricks, really, but pretty good for a guy who isn’t real.

Gabe wonders if all hallucinations feel so amused by the suffering of others, or if that’s just his own personal problem. Eh. His family is messed up enough that it might just be him. The jury’s out on that one.

It _is_ kind of funny, though; watching everything turn to shit.

Maybe he should feel some kind of remorse for what his existence has brought, but it just makes him feel powerful, instead. _He_ did this, _he_ made this happen, and it feels like he is only just getting started with the world.

 

Then his mom leaves.

And Gabe doesn’t follow. He doesn’t want to ask himself why not.

He catches her eye as she goes, and he finds himself turning away. As her footsteps fade, Gabe stares at his father, and watches him finally, _finally_ , crack.

Now, Gabe has pretty conflicted feelings about his dad.

On the one hand, he loves his dad because, come on, it’s his _dad_.

(It should be mentioned that Gabe’s version of love is not exactly healthy, but he’s not going to dwell on that right now. Or, like, ever.)

On the other hand, he hates his dad, because his dad is a stubborn asshole who refuses to see what’s right in front of him - metaphorically _and_ literally.

Maybe Gabe’s being a _little_ unfair, but, hell, that’s basically the entire point of his existence, besides trying to talk his mother into killing herself. And since she’s gone now, unfairness is all he’s got.

So, maybe, that’s why he starts talking to his father. That’s why he starts trying to catch his attention, because his dad _can’t_ keep ignoring this, not forever.

Correction: he can’t keep ignoring _Gabe_ forever.

To his credit, or possibly the opposite, Gabe’s dad barely reacts. He shifts in discomfort, but keeps his gaze straight ahead, focusing on some point in the distance rather than acknowledge his son.

“Can’t you just leave me alone,” his dad says, his voice flat with defeat. Gabe feels a vicious sense of triumph, but he can’t let himself back down now.

He pushes and pushes, goading his father onwards; wrapping his arms around him and reminding him that he’s not going to leave anytime soon. Gabe is his father’s problem as much as he was his mom’s problem too.

He pushes and pushes, until _finally_ , his dad lets it all spill out.

His dad talks of crying, of death, of love, and Gabe can speak his words with him, because the story is written into his very bones, and he knows it better than he knows himself.

“Gabe,” his dad says, no longer defeated but relieved.

Something warm and soft blooms in Gabe’s chest at the acknowledgement. It reminds him of the way his mom looked at him once, as though he was the only thing that mattered. It reminds him of when he was alive; being doted on by both of his parents.

“Hi, Dad,” he says, and he laughs and he smiles, and then he runs away into the shadows.

 

The whole familial love thing leads him to wondering what the _actual_ Gabe might have grown up to be like.

He probably wouldn’t have been a sociopath, for one. Natalie’s turned out pretty well so far, after all - she can’t even see him, which must be a pretty good sign for her.

It’s an odd thought. The idea of someone with his face and his voice being… well, a nice guy? It feels inherently wrong - so contrary to his being that he starts to feel a little nauseous as he thinks about it.

Of course, he realises, the _real_ Gabe probably wouldn’t look like him. He might not be your average hallucination, but predicting the appearance of a dead baby seems a little beyond him.

Maybe the true Gabe would have taken after his father, with dark hair and a face built for frowning. Maybe they’d have stayed out playing football together, and Gabe would have joined the school team. He’d be eighteen, and nearly on his way to college, and he might have an annoying little sister, or it might just be him.

There’s an ache in his chest at the thought, and he pushes it away.

Whatever life the _actual_ Gabe might have had, this is what he gets instead. He tells himself that it’s a pretty sweet deal, and tries not to think about it anymore.

 

Gabe might be the Goodman family curse, but, to be honest, he’s been pretty ineffective lately.

His mom is gone, his dad is getting better, and his sister has never once seen him at all.

He tries not to feel rejected, but the bitter taste of loneliness still sits in his stomach like a poison. He’s aware that he’s not a good person, or even technically a person at all, but he’d gotten used to being loved, and now that’s gone.

His dad is getting better, slowly - he shoots Gabe looks sometimes, but never acknowledges the thing wearing his son’s face. Doctor’s orders, probably, or maybe he just knows better than to pretend his imagination is real.

Natalie still doesn’t see him, which might be for the best, but Gabe still sits next to her and talks, sometimes. He tries to be the annoying big brother he could have been; he tries to distract her from her homework and tease her about her hair.

It never works, of course.

Gabe gets lonelier every day, and it’s his own stupid fault for existing in the first place.

 

Except one day, Natalie looks at him. She frowns, and tilts her head, as though she’s trying to figure out a puzzle.

He shifts, ready to get up and leave, if he has to.

“Why are you trying so hard,” she says, voice flat, after a few moments.

Her gaze is piercing, and it feels like she’s seeing right through him already. She’s smart, he knows that. He’s never liked it before, and he likes it even less now that her attention is on him.

He doesn’t bother to answer the question. He just looks away, staring at the walls of her bedroom.

“This could have been my bedroom, once,” he murmurs, without thinking.

Gabe hears her inhalation of breath, as though she’s surprised, somehow. He’s not sure about what - he’s just stating a fact, after all.

When he glances back at her, her expression is conflicted; confusion and anger are warring with each other on her face. He’d prefer the anger, really - he knows what shape Natalie’s anger takes.

“You don’t get to try to replace me again,” she says, when the quiet grows too tense to bear. “You’ve already had your chance, and you lost it.”

The words sting somewhere behind Gabe’s ribs, and he frowns.

“It was never about replacing you,” he admits, though too much of his hurt bleeds into his voice to make it properly convincing.

Natalie’s expression shutters, and she’s all anger again, tense like a coiled spring.

“Yes, it was,” she says, firm and vicious. Hey, maybe there’s some sibling resemblance after all. “It was about replacing me, and replacing Dad, so that you could take Mom away from us. So that you could…” She trails off, sounding choked.

“Kill her,” Gabe says, because the words don’t deserve to lie unspoken in the air.

Natalie’s eyes flash with fury. She picks up her textbook and throws it at him. It goes right through, of course - hitting the wall with a loud thumping sound.

(It still hurts, just a little. Some part of his mind wonders if he can bruise.)

Well, Gabe knows where he’s not wanted. He hears his dad’s footsteps coming up the stairs, and decides that maybe, he ought to call on one of the advantages of being a hallucination.

He disappears into nothingness; the same place he went when his mom thought he was going to school, the same place he went when she couldn’t see him and there was no point in even _trying_ to appear.

The feeling of non-existence is comforting. He wraps it around himself and, for a given definition of the word, he sleeps.

**Author's Note:**

> there will probably be a second part to this, but it's a monstrosity of a scene that's already nearly as long as this fic itself, so i decided i ought to separate it out.
> 
> i hope you enjoyed the fic! you can find me at screechfoxes on tumblr.


End file.
